Monday, July 13th, 2009
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8:21 am - Late Fees are Bull Shit
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I don't have any financial aid for summer quarter so my mom has to pay my thousand dollar tuition out of pocket with two payments. That's already more than enough that we can manage right now and then tuition was due on fridays and these fuckers charge a $20 late fee. Granted, the payment was late and it's just protocol but the entire concept of having late fee for a few measley days that no one really gives a fuck about anyway. What and who does it hurt if I don't pay on time? You fuckers are already sucking enough money out of me as it is so then you go and make up some bullshit late fee when I'm already barely scraping by on the skins of my teeth. I don't have an extra $20 up my ass that I keep just in case I have to give it to you. I don't have an extra 20 dollars at all. At. All. And! And! My financial aid for fall quarter hasn't been processed yet. And I've been hearing of people who are told they're eligible but the college can't cover them. So I'm most likely fucked. I registered for fall quarter but I can't begin to fathom another thousand dollar adventure like this one. I half hope I don't have coverage for fall and I know it's probably grounds for charges of blasphemy in the academic world but fuck it. I like learning but I don't know what I'm going to do and in the mean time what am I to do? Sit on my ass all day while this place takes the money that I need and doesn't give a shit about me and just keeps me occupied all day when I could be looking for a job (along with the other millions of people). At least I'd be productive. These books that I don't use aren't giving anything either. Just taking even more of my money. MONEY MONEY MONEY. When did the world get like this? The only thing that this extra 20 dollars financial aid is charging me for will do is hurt me. A lot. I don't have the money to do this. Any of it. I better gather some better hobbies because I can't imagine I'll be able to go into Portland much longer. I don't know. That sounds drastic. At this point I can't think of things getting any better. In any way. If you think about it though, late fees are made up. They've just decided to charge money for time passed and time itself is made up fuckers! These fees are leeches. And they help no one. They help this school supposedly but this $20 gets lost in it divied up and shuffled around and in the end the $20 that meant so much for me to give away is, to the school, a fleck. It doesn't matter to them. But they won't let me pay my tuition unless I give them that 20 dollars and if I don't then they'll drop my classes and I'll have lost a thousand for nothing. There's no winning. They're malicious. I'm being gobbled up. I feel helpless and I wanna cry.
Twenty dollars...
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
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12:25 am
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It's been a long long while but I feel like this of all places is the place to say this (although I've already said it on facebook and myspace). My cat is dying. I took her to the vet yesterday and he gave us some medication for some minor problems she'd been having but also did some blood work and they got the results back today. It's renal failure. Which coincidentally enough is what Mandy's son, Simon, died from 2 years ago July 2nd. I'm taking tomorrow off from school. The vet said the only thing we could really do is make her comfortable. We could do some IVs to prolong her life and make it a little better but there's no guarantee that it'll work. In fact, it really won't do much good at all. So I'm taking tomorrow off from school as I said, to spend the day with her; mom can't handle seeing her so weak and she has a lot of work to do so she's going to work. I don't know how productive she'll be though. So now the hours tick by and Mandy's life is deteriorating. She still has a little spunk in her. Swishes her tail all sassy like. But she can't hardly walk. She has irregular breathing that goes back to normal after a little while. I wrote about her. To her. I told her all my deepest secrets, we always had a magnificent way of connecting. I could read her like none other and she the same. It's this connection unlike anything. I've had her since I was 5. She's 2 years younger than I am and so she's like a sister to me. I never had any siblings. I just had my cats. And they were mine. And I was theirs. They are mine and I am theirs. Forever. Always. So as soon as I was told I decided I'd like to keep her and have her for the sunrise on the morning of the 2nd. It was about when we let Simon go and the sunrise always reminds me of him. So Mandy and I will be together then and then when my mom gets home we'll let her go. That is if her condition doesn't worsen. She's my Mandycat and I'm her kid. I'm always able to relax her when she's too wound up. I can't be there though. When it happens. I've already seen a man die --- that's another story --- and I had to deal with that and I just could never see her go. I'll be with her for every second of her life but she knows. Because I told her when her son died. She understands why. It all sound so overly sentimental but Mandy and I are unlike anything else. I won't sleep tonight. I have to monitor her. She won't go as miserably as Simon did; all hooked up to IVs in a metal cage. She'll be at home. And comfortable. She's not as bad as Simon was although it hit her just as quickly as it hit him.
I'd like to tell you the story about her, I think it's short:
It all started when I first moved down to Vancouver from Spokane. I had wanted an animal for as long as I could remember. Dog or cat. Either was good. I wanted a companion. I moved down here and was lucky enought to get two. Mandy and Simon, a mother and son my grammy got from her sister in-law. They were skittish for the first month or so. Which was disappointing and frustrating. I had cats but they didn't have me. The moment that changed it all was once I was crying (I don't remember why. I think my mom does though) and sitting on the floor with my back against my bed and my mom with her arms around me and all of a sudden there was something moving next to me on the other side. It was Mandy. She had heard me crying and came to see what was wrong. I loved her forever from that moment on.
My heart is broken. I spent most of today crying, wailing, in agony. That's the most appropriate word for this. Agony. I can feel it. And this clutch in my chest cavity is my broken heart. I love her. My eyes are sore. When I rub them they sting. My sunburn doesn't help. I'm exhausted but I have to keep an eye on her. I'll be there for it all. So she has company. I can't leave her alone in a dark house for a whole night. I'm going to be alone for quite awhile. It doesn't help that I was already feeling lonely. But my Mandycat is so lovely a beautiful. I wish you all could've met her.
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(comment on this)
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Monday, September 29th, 2008
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11:34 pm - It's been awhile old friends!
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This should be fun!
If you're on my friends list, I want to know 36 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine... you're on my list, so I want to know you better!
Comment here and repost a blank one on your own journal.
01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favourite and least favourite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
current mood: creative
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, May 28th, 2008
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12:41 am
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I got to hang out with the Kooks. They're rather awesome I must say. We talked about health care and traveling and music we listened to growing up. It's was a really nice conversation.
current mood:  tired
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Saturday, May 17th, 2008
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11:06 am
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I guess I should just rename Livejournal bitching-at-my-mom place. She complains about me not telling her in advance when I'm going somewhere and she needs to take me but then she takes me anyway but she hates it. She always has terrible timing because she doesn't say no to things that I could miss but then things that happen VERY rarely she says no to. I ask her why and she bitches me out. FUCK OFF! God dammit. It's not like she has much else planned for today. She's just going to sit on her ass and then bitch tomorrow about how she has so much shit to do. So now rather than having yummy breakfast including mamosa at Darren's I'm eating cheerios. And her, well she's just sitting on the couch watching info-mercials. But its not like she just got up. She's been up for awhile running around in that car of hers that she just doesn't feel like driving but she'll take my lazy aunt grocery shopping even though it'll take more gas to do that than to take me to Darren's. My aunt could take the bus. She takes it everywhere else. My mom managed when we didn't have a car to get groceries onto the bus and she had to get groceries for me and herself. My aunt just buys for herself which equals less groceries.
FUCK! What a shitty day.
current mood:  Fucking pissed
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, May 4th, 2008
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2:18 am - Explicit content WARNING!
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God fucking dammit! I offer to help my mom with things and she says she doesn't need help and then her curtain falls down and I don't offer and then she bitches me out because "It's hard to hang up a curtain at 2 something in the morning!" Well no fucking SHIT. SO then why didn't you ask for help when my offer was obviously still on the table since I had just offered help with something 2 seconds before the curtains. FUUUUCK OFFFF! It's not my fault you're a stubborn bitch that doesn't ask for help to save your life! And it's definately not my fault that you've already put up the curtains when I offer help. I shouldn't have to offer AGAIN it if I already have. I shouldn't have to repeat myself so stop bitching me out. God dammit just fucking grow a pair. Bitch.
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, April 20th, 2008
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9:14 pm
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Livejournal is like my quiet place to be. It's like a hiding spot that I go away from often but always come back to to say hello. Hello.
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(comment on this)
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4:08 pm
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Long time no post right?
This weekend was full of flirtation, dancing, friends, music, cajun, and lipstick kisses on necks. I feel like I am moving forward which is a change from how I've been feeling lately. My weekends have been lovely I just wish that more of my friends from school could or would want to join me on my weekends. Everyone is in rehearsal.
Although I feel extremely immersed in this new environment on weekends I feel gradually more disconnected from my friends that I've known for 7 years. It's very bittersweet. I may be moving forward but my friends don't seem to be coming with me which feels terrible.
I really do wish I was better friends with everyone. Not just a friendly person to say hello to.
"I wanna steal the things from inside your room so that I can come back and return them to you..."
current mood:  complacent
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(comment on this)
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Monday, February 18th, 2008
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5:29 pm
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I can feel the pessimism seeping into my veins. It's decietful like the sun today. Looking warm and pretty but feeling cold and harsh. There are people that I dislike that I have yet to weed out of my life. They are to my life what it is after fast-food is eaten. Greasy and unpleasant. Like leeches they cling but I don't know why. I don't like them. They don't like me. Can I just pick you off because you won't give a shit -- you're not worth my time so stop acting like you fucking care, like you're upset that we've lost touch -- and at the least, I'll sleep easier. And yet, like that same leech you suck the life out of me, slowly and painfully with the little contact we have with eachother.
They are much too shallow so why won't they go away? Idon't attract these sort of people. So, if I am not cool enough for them then why do they still try to reconnect?
I'm much better than them in any and every way. I am not to modest to say so. Why do they talk meaningless shit? Why do they giggle when they should be respecting?
I understand that it's good to not always be serious, and solemn. But I also understand what it means to, for lack of a better term, be mature.
There's a hell of a lot more but not enough time to say it all.
I don't want sweet words. I just want the people I want to be there, to be there when they say they'll be. And the people I don't want to be there to just go away because I'm tired of their shit. Stop pussy-footing around it all and grow a pair just leave me the fuck alone.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Saturday, December 1st, 2007
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11:55 am
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I don't even have the fucking money to pay for the application fee. Stressful time and now I've just broken down in front of mom. This feel terrible, I feel terribly insecure about everything that college says it isn't. Which is what it is. A money-sucking machine that leaves everyone in debt. I do believe we already are so please spare my family all the unfortunate reprecussions of your dreadful institutions. Why is it okay for colleges to put students through this, am I the only one?
I feel terrible. And now off to two birthday parties.
I just hope that none of my friend applying for college have to feel the way I do right now.
current mood:  overwhelmed
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Saturday, November 17th, 2007
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10:25 pm - Muah!
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Ash Girl cast and crew you did an amazing job!!! I love you all and you guys had a beautiful run! Bravo my friends!!
<3
XOXO Kaila
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
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10:35 pm
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Today was starkly different and better than yesterday. Some down moments of irritation but overall much better.
current mood:  At ease
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, November 13th, 2007
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11:13 pm - I wanted...
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-to give college a try but I feel like I'm running out of time and it frustrates me that I haven't tried and I'm going to end up not going to school. I at least wanted to try although it probably wasn't going to happen but I wanted to do it so that I can say that I did but I didn't / I'm not and I don't know if it's too late to start. I hate it. I'm confused, Fuck I don't even know when the deadline is! I feel like shit and I feel defeated. It's a terrible feeling, Never have it. AND although I'm sure that people will reply to this I feel too embarassed to even ask someone in person when the dates are because people are fucking assholes and they'll look at me so incredulously because I don't know. It frustrates me most because I have so much to offer.
-to do well in Jackie's class but I didn't. I didn't do the summer assignment and I was failing at my own accord. Now I have a D though so I'm not failing but I know that once again I've put off homework (the lit crit), told my mother that I have it done when I don't and completely fucked myself over again! It's somewhat like self-sabotage.
-to see Across the Universe again but plans never worked out and they never seem to. I feel a stranger to my supposed friends who aren't true friends because I never hang out with people (granted it takes two to form a friendship and they could very well do the same) but instead I stay home, watch shit, do nothing, and slowly drift away from people. I don't like who I'm becoming and I'm becoming my mother. It's strange that we tend to turn into everything that we resent. Strange in an infuriating way.
There's so much more and yet nothing if any of you understand that. Bitching doesn't do anything. I am not motivated. I hate it.
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, October 28th, 2007
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1:59 pm - What The Fuck!
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I took the SAT twice and got the same score total. Not in the individual sections the same score but overall. I guess I'm stuck with a 1720 because I'm not taking the fucker again if I'm going to get the same thing a third time! This is somewhat frustrating but it's just mainly because I'm sick and I feel wonky so pretty much everything is pissing me off!
current mood: sick
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
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11:26 am
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Tuesday, October 16th, 2007
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10:41 pm - WTF
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Apparently my mother has taken up the hobby of commenting on the food, or rather the amount of food, I eat. She has never done this nor do I believe she has ever been in a position to do so. Especially given the circumstances of her rather hefty meal on sunday which consisted of bacon cheeseburger, fries, soda, and an extra order of fries. Plus cheesecake back at the house. And still she proceeded to comment two seperate time today on the amount of food I ate, which wasn't outside the norm for me at all. I have never had a problem with my weight and I shouldn't start now especially since I have stayed at a constant weight for as long as I can really remeber weighing myself. SO I'm not gaining weight, I've never had a problem with it, and mother is fucking way out of place! Maybe for some people this is nothing but they have to understand that my mother has never in my entire life commented on the food or how much of it I consume.
current mood:  furious
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Wednesday, September 26th, 2007
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10:17 pm - There's a lot of FUCK in this post.
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FUCK (see I told you).
All the shitty things occuring right now:
1. I had my fucking FQs done and then apparently I didn't save them onto my flash drive so I didn't have them today.
2. We're in the middle of moving and so I get home late. As a result, when I get home I'm exhausted and then get behind on my homework.
3. Fucking Heart of Darkness and Joseph Conrad killing my brain slowly.
4. And the fucking math homework that no one in class fucking understand and intends to consume my life.
5. Finally, stupid fucking soccer game this saturday that's at 9 in the fucking morning and I don't even want to play because it will make me tired and then even if I take a nap I still won't be fully energized. And fucking mom who is making me go because "You won't be at next weeks game." Well guess what! I don't fucking owe a damn thing to that fucking team with it's pompous, self-righteous, shovenistic, asshole of a coach.
6. The last SAT that I can fucking take and then I'll have to send either my scores from last test or this one to colleges even though, once again, I haven't had any fucking time to study for the fucking SATs so I doubt that I'll get much better than my slightly above average score from last time. It was really insignificant and average and I can't even tell my mother that I don't even want to go to college. I'll do the whole application process but even if I do get accepted I don't want to be in school anymore. I want to get out of here and see the world, but I need to get a fucking job first so I can save up enough fucking money to buy a one-way ticket to Ireland or Germany or Italy or some European country.
Life is good, I'm not saying that it's anything less than that but it's so stressful and there are so many conflict inside and around me and I feel so drained that I doesn't feel like living.
I doubt any of you will read this. Don't worry though, I don't love you any less. But you won't know that... because you won't read this.
P.S. I really don't like the sound of our national anthem and the way people sing it.
current mood:  cynical
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, September 20th, 2007
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9:13 pm - The whole post for before will now be explained
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My mom and I have been loking for a house or duplex to rent near school and we've found one and it's going to happen for sure. We're moving and it's awesome because it's my first house. I've always lived in apartments my entire life. My mom and I have been loking since March and we've been let down a lot.Everytime I would get excited about a place I would tell a friend and then simultaneously the plan would fall through. So for the past few days I've said nothing about it for fear it'd jinxe something that I wanted really badly. But now.... it's going to happen and everyone should and will know!!!
I love you all. I'm spectaculastic!! Take care lovelies!
current mood:  enthralled
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
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10:03 pm - None of you will understand this until you find out the result...
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So ask me about it in a few days.
I'm, right now, a mix between in limbo and just paralyzed. There's something in my life that might be changing but I've been let down so much that now I don't want to say too much or too little for fear that I'll jinxe it. So, for the next few days it's all hush hush.
Whatever the outcome though, whether it's the one I'd prefer or not. You'll know when it happens because I'll either be elated or crushed.
I fear that this very post though will ruin it all and by me saying that it will ruin it allbut secretly wishing that it won't will inevitable ruin it all. It's an paradox or an enigma... I can never remember. Oh shit. I don't know what to do; it's this terrifying, nervous excitement.
I hate that it has taken hostage my brain.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Sunday, September 16th, 2007
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9:07 pm
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